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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.